oh man. advice?

i was going to put this in the relationship thread, but i figured i'd get more sound advice if i made it it's own. because i need advice.

so tonight, i think i'm going to tell my girlfriend that i need a break. i don't mean, "let me go fuck other people" break. We're 500 miles away from each other at the moment, and it really sucks. what's worse is that we're completely reliant on each other. i'm not the jealous type, and i never imagine her doing anything with anyone else (and that's all because of how goddamn awesome she is-- she's done so much to prove she'll always be faithful to me), but if i go a few hours without hearing from her, i lose my goddamn mind. it's not that i'm even concerned with her safety, it's just i need that reassurance that she's there. it's a lot worse from her side, too-- she's really reliant on me. i don't remember the last time i went a day without her saying "i need you" or "if you were here, things would be better."

throw into the mix the fact that when she graduates in june, she wants to move down here and live with me. she's 21 years old, and she's totally making the move just for me. she has NOTHING in DC-- her whole live is back in Massachusetts. It freaks me out, because I know how much more she'll need me when there's nothing for her here.

so i'm going to ask her tonight if we can go a week or two without talking to each other. we really need to become more self-reliant if we're going to make this work. i can't live for someone else if i can't live for myself. it's really fucking unfortunate. we've been together for almost 3 years now, and i can truly say she's the most amazing person i ever met, and my best friend. i feel like this is going to be impossible to work out, and i'm going to regret moving to DC for the rest of my life.

does this sound like the right thing to do? i get nervous, thinking about her moving down here, hating it, then moving back up there. that would waste so much of our time.

i've been in such a piss-poor mood lately. i need to find a way to get on my feet again and run with life. there's so much opportunity for me right. fucking. now. i can't miss out on it.

bless your little heart if you read this whole thing.

Self-reliance is not going to happen in a week or two.

wow, I don't know what to tell you. I think it's for the best that you take a little time off. It will be good for the both of you (maybe more for her) to know that you can be on your own for a little.

If you love her so much and she loves you so much, what's so bad about her coming down to D.C. to be with you? Why would you hate it?

Are you afraid that if she moves down there for you and things don't work out that it would be your fault or that you would feel guilty for her move? I mean, in every relationship, there comes a time where you have to make that leap of faith. Where everything can work out in the end and you two live happily ever after or it doesn't and you go your separate ways.

All in all, the break will be good in my opinion. It will give you guys a chance to clear your heads and see what you really want out of the relationship.

Dude... my two friends who are so reliant on each other tried this. They live in the same town. And it hasn't worked. They've just been off and on, depressed, spiteful, hateful, bitter, and overall turbulent to the point that all their friends are being drained in the process! Right now they're just "friends with benefits". That's not to discourage you, that's just so you know how things could potentially work out.

Basically, they fucked up in that they keep going back to each other after making resolutions to not see each other for a few weeks. So if you're going to do this you need to stick to it and keep at it. And it's going to be difficult for her to grasp, probably. You'll probably need to explain in full detail what your intentions are, how you both need to get to a better place in your lives before you pick it back up again so that you can have a healthier, even happier relationship.

And what tangerine said, self-reliance isn't going to happen in a matter of two weeks. It will take a while. but if you stick to your guns it'll happen and I think you two will be a lot happier both for it.

Although most people stop coming to me for advice because they don't want to hear it, I'll give you my advice.
I think that needing anyone is bad, basically because it makes you feel just as you described. I've been like that with significant others before, and what it always came down to was that I pretty much lost myself and didn't know what to do without them because I was miserable and too busy missing them to live my own life.
Also, timing means a lot in a relationship. Maybe she is the right person but it isn't the right time. If you're worried about her moving in with you, maybe that's a sign that you're not ready for all that that comes with- if that's the case, don't hesitate to tell her just that. If she's so awesome and your best friend, she'll probably be more understanding than you think.
And lastly, you're both YOUNG. I mean, really young. Take that as you will.

yeah, i know it'll take more than a few weeks for us to be more independent, but the only alternative i see is breaking up. that wouldn't make sense, when it's obvious that we're nuts over each other. this is our only flaw.

and hectorinho, what i'm afraid of her not finding her own nitche down here. i'm a full time grad student, have a part time job, and i'm a writer, on top of all that. i'm not going to have much time for her. she had a hard time understanding that when i was in undergraduate school, and i have a ton more work now. i don't want her to come down here and rely on me, because i barely have time to myself.

Bottom line, sounds like you need to say all of this stuff to her. Make your intentions clear, they seem like good, honest ones.. there's no reason for anyone to be hurt in that situation.

hastekilledcreativity wrote:

Bottom line, sounds like you need to say all of this stuff to her. Make your intentions clear, they seem like good, honest ones.. there's no reason for anyone to be hurt in that situation.

I agree with this. It sounds like you're doing it for the sake of the relationship, and your girlfriend will probably realize that. Also, having alone time should be good for her, too. You'll both benefit in the end if you stick to the plan.

If she had a hard time understanding that when you were an undergraduate, she'll have a hard time understanding it now. You have different priorities. Sounds like hers put you on top, whereas yours have school in mind.

How are you capable of being nuts for someone when you hardly have time for yourself?

that's part of the problem. but this hasn't always been an issue. i've only been in grad school for a month.

i know i have to tell her. i'm just not excited about it.

that went much better than anticipated. she was almost in complete agree with me.

i'm really fucking excited to start living for myself. i feel like i'm about to turn a new leaf. the best leaf in the damn world, actually.

That would be a maple leaf, maybe eucalyptus.

lex wrote:

That would be a maple leaf, maybe eucalyptus.

I'd go with banana leaf.

id go with marijuana leaf, but thats just me

haha

p.s. im glad everything worked out mark!

Should have known you'd choose that one.

yeah, i knew someone would pick it.

had to be done.

yeah, no particular surprises there.

happy birthday, bro. am i late on that one?

last week, haha but still celebrating!
thanks dude

Good to hear that she took it so well! I wish you the best of luck!

Having fun turning the leaves.


PS. Hastekilledcreativity, <3s for your advice. I completely agree with it.