my friend ham

i had this friend in staten island who's kind of amazing. i was telling a story about him and remembered that I had these amazing stories about his love life. I hope you all find these as hysterical as i do.

Here it is, the wonderful tales of the one and only hamilton. i really couldn't find any really awesome "bro" pics, but these will do.

The following stories are all true and while the lines may seem like they're premeditated game-killers, at the time I 110% thought they were acceptable and NOT BAD by any means and that just maybe they'd see I was kidding. I was wrong on every occasion.

The Cougar and The Cub
This story has been heard by many, and Mark has even mentioned it in this thread. It was indeed my Birthday and we were at Arc. After many dancing battles, red bulls and stares, we went into the Arcade and took a seat. It was here that my personal lady in red took action.

At first I did fine: I didn't say a word. She told me about what a good time she was having and how cute me and my friends were. Again, I smiled, nodded but never said more than "I know/Yea" because I knew wasn't on her level. At the time there was this regular there, Dave, and he had this real flamboyant way of dancing and posing, so her and I got into it with making fun of him.

Well, of course, that got old after about 3 volleys so a silence came over the conversation. The only thing I could think to myself is "I must break this!" and so I resorted to the only line I knew -- the worst line possible. I asked her "So, do you come here often?" and she just gave me this look like "You must be 3 years old". She then patted me on the shoulder and said "Nice try hunny..." and walked away.

What Exactly is a Clit?
In the summer of 2003 I was hanging out in my highschool's parking lot with a couple of friends and some girls. Earlier in the day I had been watching some TLC short about Vaginas and Peepees, so it was on my mind. Anyway, this beautiful girl kept giving me the eye, so after about 30 minutes of simply staring at her I made my move and walked the three yards she was away from me.

Without any real sort of opening, I asked her if Clit's were actually just small Penises. I assure you this was 100% genuine and I really just couldn't think of anything else to say. She basically gave me this look like I was the greatest thing since sliced apricot on rye bread with tomato juice and walked away.

I like Grease, the Movie; I Don't Like Kissing
In 2005 I had gone to Colorado to live with my brother for the summer -- it was a nice change of scenery and being around retarded blondes was choice. I happened upon this nice young lady, Brandi, at some local Jesus-Loving event held in town. We hit it off pretty good at first -- again, I didn't say much and had to restrain myself from asking why she believed in Jesus and all of that, which would've killed it.

I got her number and that night took her out to dinner. While we were waiting to be seated, I saw another cute girl walk by and said to myself, but really loud "I would destroy that vagina" while holding my arm around Brandi. Naturally, this was bad -- she moved a couple feet away and couldn't believe that I had said that. I told her I was kidding and that I knew her from last summer when I was there and that it was joke -- horrible excuse, it didn't fly, yet somehow the NYC accent I had at the time kept me in the game.

At the end of the night I took her back to her place and got invited in -- I accepted. I saw that the DVD player had Grease in it and so I told her we should watch it, because I thought I looked like John Travlota at the time; I didn't and still don't. Halfway through the movie I found myself explaining that I wasn't gay and that I sincerely liked the movie, she accepted and said we should go to her room -- great, I was in.

Soon as we hit the bed she made her move and started necking me -- I told her to stop because it was tickling me and moved her up to eye-level. We kissed for about 10 seconds and then did a little head nuzzling and what not, but when we went back to kissing, her lips had that cold, wet feeling to them, so I told her that I wasn't really into kissing and that we should just go back to watching Grease.

I was out of the house in 2 minutes.

Do you always talk like that, or is it a joke?
2004 I was at Spiderclub with my brother and some of his friends. He DJed there at the time and I thought I was awesome showing up and dancing; I wasn't. Anyway, this was one of the few times my brother and I were actually talking to one another, so he had a friend introduce me to a slamming blonde. I asked her what her name was and where she was from, even though I had just been told her name, anyway. She must've got about 10 words into her speech when I, trying to be funny, asked "Do you always talk like that, or is it a joke?" -- "Like what? What are you talking about?" She asked and I replied "Oh, you're drunk, you're slurring, it sounds horrible, nevermind". She wasn't drunk, she was straight edge and had speech impediment. I lost that battle and had to leave the club because it was just too awkward being in that little room with her giving me dirty looks.


You probably slept with, like, 15 guys
Senior year of High School I had a friend hook me up with the girl that sat behind me in Bio. My friend didn't go to the school and only knew here through another friend -- this was clutch by me because it didn't involve me turning around or catching her after class to speak, all of the work was done for me. Anyway, I got her number, called her, explained that I never motioned towards her in school before because I was seeing someone else, had to explain that I WASN'T seeing anyone else, then had to explain that I was simply a complete pussy. So, basically, the awesome move I pulled was redundant, anyway, because I still looked like an idiot.

Anyway, on our first date we got into pretty heavy conversation about habits and what not. A couple lines in, I told her I always lose my keys and she told me she always forgets her Birth Control. Thinking it was funny and trying to weasel out her magical slut number, I said "You must sleep with every guy, huh", because at the time the only reason I could fathom someone being on the pill was to get fucked and busted in all day. Her face turned red and she got up from the table and walked out on me. I told the waiter she was getting my wallet because I forgot it in the car -- 20 minutes later the manager came over and said I better be paying the tab and not pretending to be moneyless. So I pissed off three people with one line -- great.

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/sigh

I can't explain how much I love Narra for always making me happy.

hahah good in work reading|!!
i think he is amazing!!!!!

Haha, love these.