JOKES

haha

are we allowed to tell racist ones?


im not racist, but i know of some jokes that some might take offense to

giv jokes about germans pls

So there's a boat sinking in the North Atlantic, and the captain sends an SOS to the German coast guard, saying, "Help, we're sinking!"

They wait a while, but there is no reply. So, they send the message again, "Help, we're sinking!"

Once again, there's no reply. So they send the message one more time, finally they get a reply from the German coast guard, saying, 'Vhat are you sinking about?'

It's funnier said than typed.

you know what they say about mexicans and texas?


we used to own it now we mow it

Ta da ch!

AnnaIsAFuckingStoolPigeon wrote:

So there's a boat sinking in the North Atlantic, and the captain sends an SOS to the German coast guard, saying, "Help, we're sinking!"

They wait a while, but there is no reply. So, they send the message again, "Help, we're sinking!"

Once again, there's no reply. So they send the message one more time, finally they get a reply from the German coast guard, saying, 'Vhat are you sinking about?'

It's funnier said than typed.

http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=rD4roXEY8hk

abstract illusion wrote:

AnnaIsAFuckingStoolPigeon wrote:

So there's a boat sinking in the North Atlantic, and the captain sends an SOS to the German coast guard, saying, "Help, we're sinking!"

They wait a while, but there is no reply. So, they send the message again, "Help, we're sinking!"

Once again, there's no reply. So they send the message one more time, finally they get a reply from the German coast guard, saying, 'Vhat are you sinking about?'

It's funnier said than typed.

http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=rD4roXEY8hk

YES!

what do you call two black cops on a motorcycle???







chocolate chips

AnnaIsAFuckingStoolPigeon wrote:

abstract illusion wrote:

AnnaIsAFuckingStoolPigeon wrote:

So there's a boat sinking in the North Atlantic, and the captain sends an SOS to the German coast guard, saying, "Help, we're sinking!"

They wait a while, but there is no reply. So, they send the message again, "Help, we're sinking!"

Once again, there's no reply. So they send the message one more time, finally they get a reply from the German coast guard, saying, 'Vhat are you sinking about?'

It's funnier said than typed.

http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=rD4roXEY8hk

YES!

My family is German. So I showed them all this and we laughed soooo hard. Totally made my day hahaha.

If Tom Hanks were to lose a leg, what's the only role he could play?









Forest Stump.

Some jokes one of my friends sent me:


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why is a washing machine better than a woman? Because the washingmachine doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load in it.

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Little Johnny is at the airport and goes to use the restroom. when hewalks in he sees Tony Blair wearing his ceremonial prime minister'shat.... "Wow! Are you really Tony Blair?" asks Little Johnny. "Sure am," replies Tony Blair. "would you like to wear my hat?" "OH boy would I!" Tony hands Little Johnny his hat and he puts it on. Just then George Bush walks in wearing his ceremonial outfit. "Wow! Are you really George Bush?" Asks Little Johnny. "Sure am. Wanna suck my dick?" "Oh no sir," replies Little Johnny, "I'm not really Tony Blair, I'mjust wearing his hat"

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My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my X-box.

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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.


While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, 'Robin Hood-All-purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy

------------------------

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over
a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in
every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a
dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and
that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law
was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant
view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when
she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She
told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and
couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and
if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was
stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When
she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked
straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that
you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for
our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car"

so this is a pretty bad joke but the one about earnheart and pink floyd is no worse

how do you kill a fox?

make it run across canada

A transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A Belgian and an American are having a drink. The American is, of course, bragging to the Belgian about how great the Americans are.
"We're so great, we were the first to land on the moon!"
"Oh, that's nothing. We are going to be the first to land on the sun." the Belgian said.
"That's crazy." the American said. "You can't land on the sun, it's too hot. You'll burn alive!"
"I know," the Belgian said. "That's why we're going at night time."

knock knock
whos there?
KGB
KGB who?
Oh shit!


Alexander Ovenchkin, Maria Sharpenova and Dostoevsky walk into Regans bar, Regan says "get the fuck out"


how many Chechen rebels does it take to screw in a light bulb? None because they were all massacred by superior Russian forces.

What's the worst thing about two black guys driving a brand new cadillac off of a cliff?






Those guys were my friends!

You know what Eyrkah Badu's brother is called?


Jabbada

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

Because he was eatin pizza before it was cool!

If you're American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?

Spoiler:

So there's 3 guys and they're stranded on an island and they meet a group of cannibals.
the cannibals tell them "if you can find 3 of the same fruit and stick them up your ass we won't eat you"
so the first guy gets 3 oranges. he gets the first one up there, then the second and then he gave a moan of agony.
so the cannibals killed him and ate him.
the second guy comes along with 3 strawberry's. he gets the first one up his ass, then the second, then he bursts out laughing.
so the cannibals kill him and eat him.
the first two guys are in heaven together and the first guy asks "why the hell did you laugh!?! you could have escaped!"
and the first guy explains "I started laughing because I saw the third guy coming along with pineapples."

why cant hellen keller drive?

shes a woman

Steve Jobs died of Pancreatic Cancer (PC).

That is a little funny.

he may have got a virus